A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
