u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
