I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
