So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
