Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
