He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
