my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
...so i touched it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
