Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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