Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
