Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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