i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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