Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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