As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
