he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i drank out of a bidet.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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