420 ftw
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
