Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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