I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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