Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
