Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
