Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
