Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
