meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
