Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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