shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
