I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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