New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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