My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
