Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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