You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
