She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I didn't notice because vodka
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
