Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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