just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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