Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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