The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
