Ketchup is God's man juice
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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