I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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