I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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