Sry I called you an 8
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
