Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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