i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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