I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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