peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
