Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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