Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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