I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
