Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
