You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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