Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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