My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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