tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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