I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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