I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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