apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
