At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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