If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
