walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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