My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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