____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
