I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
