How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
