He uses pillows to masturbate.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize