I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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