i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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